How, in practice, can this commitment be boosted?  It is all to easy to say “it is up to the individual”, but the truth is that as individuals we are all to a greater or lesser extent conditioned by the society they live in.  If the current is taking us in one direction, it is hard to expect each individual to swim repeatedly against it.  We need to turn the current.

The marriage model

There are five principal aspects to the current as far as family life is concerned.  First, marriage as the model for family life must again be promoted, honoured and re-adopted.  It is no good saying “there are many lifestyles” and “all are equal”, when it is abundantly clear that they are not all equal.  For more on this, see Is marriage important? Here, we merely state that stability of family life, and high quality outcomes for children, are profoundly strengthened by marriage; and, this being the case, why would we shrink from backing it?  ‘Choice’ is one thing; a culture that repeatedly sneers at what is demonstrably the best choice is another matter.  After all, how often does one see marriage portrayed in a positive manner in a movie or TV drama?  The answer (for we have looked out for this) is: very rarely.  The loving, happy marriage is a rare sight on the media, while by no means a rare sight in the real world.   The majority of marriages still last a lifetime – and there is nothing as truly romantic as life-long love.  Why, we wonder, did the Times newspaper recently (1 October 2010) have to devote a whole page to a website which promotes infidelity?  The catch-phrase is "Life is short: have an affair", having previously been "When monogamy becomes monotony".  What are we doing, undermining our own family foundations in this way by giving prominence to the scurrilous?

Portraying sex

The second aspect to the current is the way in which sex is portrayed in movies, TV dramas and the like.  Basically, the normal plot goes like this: man meets woman; flirtation is quickly followed by sex that very night, with romantic music playing.  This signals that it is what we should look to do.  And it conspires with our feelings of insecurity to insist that ‘scoring in bed’ is what affirms us as acceptable, lovable, attractive, successful.  It’s what you do.  Now, the problems with this are three-fold: a) we get hurt when the relationship breaks up (because sex reaches deeper into the heart than we often intended – particularly with women); b) we harden ourselves to make sure we don’t get hurt again (meaning that we actually find it hard to fall in love when we really want to); c) habits of casual sex die hard, and it becomes difficult to commit after years of not doing so. The point is that our capacity for stable relationships (through hurt, hardening and habit – the three ‘H’s!) is reduced by casual sex.  In other words, we jeopardize what we most want (a secure loving relationship) by not being willing to wait for it.  The issue here is not one of choice; the issue is a one-way street in the way film and TV describe and promote promiscuous sex and present it as the only choice there is.  And then, to compound it all, a lad's mag (Zoo, in this case) offers "easy seduction techniques", which is all about piling hurt on hurt, while convincing a new generation of young men that abuse is a laugh.  It isn't, and it never was.

Give and take

The third aspect to the current is the emphasis on ‘consumer relationships’, where you get what you can or opt out, instead of the older realization that relationships require a lot of give and take, forgiveness, self-sacrifice, thinking of the other person, humility, effort at communication and – most important of all – the commitment to make it work when it is difficult and the resolve to work together to sort out one’s problems.  Again, Hollywood has a lot to answer for (with the saccharin image of romance crowding out the reality of life together – and making the hard work of building lasting relationships look like a failure, rather than the path to success).  There needs to be a huge emphasis on the responsibility that follows from having children; on the need to ‘work at it’ in a relationship; and on parenting and schooling to help teenagers come to terms with both these crucial facets of life.

What parents need

Fourthly, the commitment of children to parents is (in a different way) just as important as the commitment the other way round.  We have become squeamish as a society about bringing up children to respect their parents.  The anger of the 1960s ‘teenage rebellion’ never quite went away, although it was regularly mis-applied to parents who were trying to do their best.  The result was a lingering mistrust on the one hand, and diffidence on the other – a shyness amongst parents to impose their will, even when it was needed.  This has been incredibly damaging, creating a bias towards independence, ‘against’ the very people who love them most and want the best for them – leading to the severe distortion of decision-making (just to prove a point – but landing you in trouble, because the real point was to listen to wise and experienced counsel).  Courageous parenting, and the need not to abdicate responsibility for guiding one’s children, must again become mainstream in our culture; and the injunction to children to obey their parents, even if it sounds too biblical for some, will actually be the recipe for a much happier home – and a much happier society.  Parents’ elbows must be strengthened in this regard, and dramas or teen magazines that put sullen teenagers before a new generation that never thought of such a thing are as damaging as dramas that show drug-taking as a good thing.  Yes, it happens – but no need to put fuel on the fire.  More on this in “The challenge of bringing up children”.

When we are most vulnerable

Most of us will get old - and many of us will become frail and needy in the process.  That is when we find we need those bonds of commitment, because at that point we depend utterly on family members.  The same applies if we become sick or disabled, or emotionally troubled, or in a financial crisis.  If commitment is the bedrock of the family, then family itself is the bedrock for people going through tough times.  Many millions of carers selflessly give themselves for other family members and, in spite of the egoistical bent of our society, it still remains the case that "blood is thicker than water".  But that kind of commitment can be encouraged; the instinct we all have for this kind of responsibility one-to-another within families can be bolstered, or else undermined.  The growth in loneliness and isolation in our society suggests it has been undermined. 

Community-building is part of the answer here.  To some extend, neighbourhoods can begin to take the place of our scattered extended families and Street Associations will help them to do so.  But there can be no doubt that, in times of great need, family commitment is the jewel in the crown of community.  It is family members that tend to do the 'heavy lifting'. 

Next: Truth is the foundation of trust