In today’s Britain, many, many people are deeply concerned about bringing up children – that they will be subject to currents that push them into dangers that would have been unknown to children of earlier generations.  Sex and drugs and rock’n roll may sound exciting when you’re experimenting with it, but from a parent’s point of view, it is all too obviously fraught with danger; and parents who look at their 12 year olds know that they are not truly ready (and will not be ready for some years) to cope with the forces about to be unleashed on them.

So here are some thoughts on how we can best protect our kids and how we can best equip them to deal with the world in which we currently (like it or not) have to live.  We hope these ‘tips’ are helpful.

Secure children can say no

It may sound obvious, but what a child most needs to be able to say ‘no’ is security in who they are; and that in turn means security in their parents’ love.  Here are some ways in which parents can help their children to stand against the pressures of the culture, simply because they feel secure enough to do so:

• Affirmation.  Some of us find it difficult to say “I love you”, because we did not receive that kind of affirmation ourselves as children.  It is something we (especially fathers) have to try and break through – and what feels hard or unnatural at first becomes normal soon enough.
• Avoid put-downs.  This is key, as much of the ‘humour’ of today’s youth is based on the kind of put-down which may be innocent banter, but which actually lodges in a child’s heart and produces insecurity.
• Encouragement.  Children need to hear from their parents that they are well thought of – seen as intelligent, good looking, good hearted, hard working and so on.   That encouragement gives them a positive self-image that they then try and live up to.  The opposite produces a nagging doubt, that can drag them down.  Negative words (“you’re good for nothing”) can produce a wound that may never heal.
• Discipline.  Children feel secure when they know where they stand and are given clear rules.  They feel ‘at sea’ when they can do what they like, because no boundaries means no structure to their lives – and no structure (‘anything goes’) actually means they are on their own.
• Authority.  Don’t plead with children!  Parents really do have God-given authority over their children and they mustn’t be embarrassed to act like it; in fact, we owe it to our children to use it, making sure we never abuse it by being too harsh.
• Talk.  Always communicate with your children about what they think, what they feel, what happened in school, how it is going with friends (and later, boyfriends and girlfriends!) – generally, keep communicating.
• Family meals.  Have these together, around a table.  That gets everyone talking and interacting – and it builds a vital sense of family, which you just don’t get when everyone’s doing their own thing in their own time.
• Parents’ mutual support.  Playing off one parent against the other is a disaster for the child, because when the child is ‘in control’, and therefore no longer under the parents’ control, the child actually feels unprotected.  Fathers and mothers should always back each other up (and discuss differences in private).  Driving a wedge between parents kills their authority!
• Forgive.  The discipline of learning always to forgive (one’s child or one’s husband, wife or partner) is vital in the long term.  Relationships where there is forgiveness grow and flourish.  Without it, relationships hit the rocks.  Children need to see their parents forgive, so they understand that family is secure, even if we get upset sometimes.

Good rules keep children secure

Here are some good rules that help a lot long term.

• Bed times.  It’s one of those things that tells children early on who is in charge.  Set reasonable bed times and stick to them.
• No TV or computer in the bedroom.  Otherwise, bed times are up the spout and parents have no control of what their child is into.
• School work.  Parents must take the lead in making sure school homework is done well, and on time.  Encouragement from home is known to make all the difference.
• Avoid too much TV.  Children are creative and energetic, but watching TV uses so little of that.  One good rule is: ‘no TV in the morning’.  It’s easy to keep to and, once children have to start the day by finding something active and creative to do, they often don’t even think of TV until late in the afternoon.
• Personal computers.  Keep these where you can see them.  That way, you can monitor what the children are getting into; and you can also set sensible limits (e.g. an hour a day).  Remember, ‘friends’ on Facebook etc are not the same as real friends, and can be a cover for loneliness.
• Pocket money.  Give a regular amount (not too much) and from an early age teach children how to save up for bigger items.
• Politeness.  Teach this – and insist on it.  It is good for children to learn to consider others and take their place in civilised society!

Long term thinking

Children need to be helped to understand simple wisdom.  Often, what this amounts to is that what is attractive in the short term may well be bad in the long term – and that we should always think long term.  They won’t get much of this teaching from our culture, e.g. through TV or movies.  In fact, they will often get the opposite (“by now, pay later”); and so it is vital that they get a clear grounding in this from their parents (who often alone are not trying to sell them something!)

Clear examples of the kind of things to be telling our children include:

• Drugs.  Don’t do something that will get you hooked.  You always need to be in your right mind so that you can make good decisions.
• Cigarettes, alcohol, gambling – these things have power over you; they get their claws into you and don’t let go.
• Sex.  It’s very attractive – but it sets you up to get badly hurt.  Feelings suddenly go much deeper when sex is involved; broken hearts lead to broken people.  Have high self esteem – and treat other people well too.
• Porn.  These images stay with you.  They mess up your ability to fall in love and have healthy relationships.
• Horror.  It’s all about fear, and fear may be exciting – but it can go really deep and change the kind of person you are.
• Violent movies and games.  They eat into you and make you more violent and less happy, long term.
• Money.  Learn to manage money well and don’t get into debt.  Debt gives others huge power over you; and you end up with less because so much goes in interest payments!
• Kindness.  Treat a friend well and they will be there for you.  Treat them badly and you’ll be alone.
• Honesty.  Telling a lie gets you out of a fix, but – just as you know which of your friends can and can’t be trusted – people get to know whether you can be trusted or not.  If ‘not’, you have lost something very precious: that people believe you.
• Selfishness.  It actually makes life unpleasant, because you feel bad and you make others feel bad.  Help others, and you feel great and so do they!
• Work.  It is good to learn to do your best; to try and do things excellently.  If you work hard, you will probably go far.  If you don’t, you’ll very likely end up poor.
• Work first, play later.  Otherwise, the work just hangs over you.  Much better to do what you’re supposed to do first, bet it out of the way, and then really enjoy playing!

One of the best ways of talking to one’s children about these matters is to watch TV or movies with them and discuss with them what happened, why it happened and who should have done what! 

The strength that comes from faith

Good principles come from faith, and faith gives those principles ‘backbone’.  That means that, when you are considering doing something attractive but short sighted, the understanding that God says ‘don’t do it’ helps you to be strong.  Prayer is also a key to strength and health.  God promises to help us when we call on him and many millions have found this to be true in their lives.

Faith is best inculcated early.  The Bible says that God’s ways are to be upon our hearts.  “Impress them on your children.  Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up”.[1] How can we give our children this grounding?  One good way is to take them to church, where they can be part of children’s classes that really do (especially in lively churches with lots of children) provide this kind of teaching and build in children a sense of right and wrong, and a sense that they can find help from God, in a way that will last a lifetime.